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World cup – Game of Thrones style

 

(apologies to anyone who does not follow either football or Game of Thrones – the clue that this one may not be for you is in the title. No-Telly Neville, you won’t get any of this, sorry)

 

With the World Cup looming, it is time to consider how the major Westeros sides are likely to do in the tournament, based on form, tactics, personnel and management style in our exclusive Betting Guide

 

Team Targaryean    –   hopes were high for one of the pre-tournament favourites – they have solidity at the back with one of the all time great defenders Barristan Selmy, the workman-like Sir Friendzone of Mormont, youth with Gray Worm, three fiery attackers and the man with “All the Flair and Too Much Hair” Daario.  They also have a manager that the team will follow to the ends of the earth. What could go wrong?  Well, whilst all of the other teams set up training camps in Miami or Brazil, Daenerys instead chose to base her team in Morocco, and so far has shown no signs of ever bloody booking a plane to Brazil where all the action is. When we interviewed her, suggesting that the World Cup was there for the taking and all she had to do was cross the narrow sea to get there, Daenerys instead set her sights on being in Algeria for the foreseeable future.  Save your money and back someone else.   1/15 if they actually turn up   250/1 on the basis that they don’t seem to have a transport plan to get them to the action

 

Team Black Watch – resolute defenders, certainly. Their defensive wall is second to none, and even the most creative free-kick taker is going to struggle to get the ball over a four hundred foot wall of ice and get it up and down fast enough to beat the keeper. There have long been concerns about whether they have any attacking presence, and our sources suggest that although they claim to have a World Cup squad of 100,000 players it might actually be about seven, one of whom is blind and about 160 years old and another is very fat.  Talk is also that the manager, John Snow, knows nothing.   They might get out of the group, but no further.   14/1

 

Team Stark – sigh. Such a promising team, ripped apart by injury – and in the case of their last two captains simply ripped apart.  Rickon seems to just go missing, Bran wanders about aimlessly. Arya is a deadly finisher and Sansa might be turning into a genuine player. If you MUST have a flutter on Team Stark, it should be for their former jinky winger Bran scoring with a Hodor.  (sorry)     28/1

 

Team Oberyn Martell – charismatic Latin flair, everyone’s favourite dark horse. All the power, all the knowhow, all the tactics. However, some of us got badly burned backing him in the last semi-final, where he dominated Brazil for ninety minutes whilst never actually scoring a goal and then spent the entireity of injury time doing keepie-uppies and Cruyff turns in his own six yard box.   9/1

 

Team Lannister  – the current holders of the trophy,  rumours persist that they bought the previous three World Cups that they won (as though there could ever be financial corruption in a World Cup). They have had their own injury worries, with their star goalkeeper Jaime losing a hand. We have had Goldenballs at a World Cup before, now this is Golden-Hand.  Most people’s favourite player Tyrion, with his low centre of gravity and quick wits gives them a chance. Their manager Tywin is said to be a strict disciplinarian (other than when it comes to members of his team sleeping together).  Joffrey, their captain, who often plays a sweeper role hiding behind the back of his mother Cersei is another doubt – he is said to have a bad cough at the moment. Fans of the WAGS  (and the TV cameras) will be hoping that doesn’t shut Margaery out of the tournament.   7/4 favourites

 

Team Stannis – dour, hard to beat, hard to break down. What they really need is a bit of magic.  9/1

 

Team Hound – we interviewed the Hound and his comments were  “F**k the World Cup”   – when we pressed and said that plenty of people like the World Cup, he said “Yes, plenty of C***s”   –  it is not entirely clear whether he is even intending to turn up. We don’t advise risking your hard earned cash on a flutter

 

Team Theon – all the talk is that this team has lost something in the tackle department.  90/1

 

Team Littlefinger – most fans did not even realise that Littlefinger was playing in this tournament. Many of them didn’t even realise he had a team. An outside bet, but he certainly plays that Andrea Pirlo role, pulling all the strings and making everything happen. The odds are against him, but frankly worth a punt.  180/1

 

Team White Walkers – terrifying presence, have the ability to take the players from the opposing side and make them play for Team White Walkers, virtually unstoppable – ice-cold blood in their veins, which would be useful if it goes to penalties. The one question mark is their absolute lack of pace – they seem to have made no forward progress in the last four seasons.   19/1

 

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About suesspiciousminds

Law geek, local authority care hack, fascinated by words and quirky information; deeply committed to cheesecake and beer.

One response

  1. Excellent analysis. Looking forward to the final-e!

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