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May it please you – more legalese

 

Focussing on cross-examination this time.  

You’re not an accurate historian  (you are a liar)

 

Your recollection of those events doesn’t entirely accord with the documentary evidence (you’re a liar and I can prove it)

 

What I don’t understand about your account is how it fits with this entry in the records here  (you’re a liar, I AM proving it, but I am also a bit worried that you might hit me when we leave the Court room)

 

You’re a liar  (I am far enough away from you at the moment to be confident that you won’t hit me, but I wouldn’t say that to you at the coffee machine outside)

 

You’re wrong, aren’t you  (I am pretty confident in myself, but haven’t really got a good fallback plan when you say “no” to this…)

 I’d like to suggest to you, if I may   (I am myself a bit embarrassed at having to make this dumb point, and as a lawyer, I don’t embarrass that easily)

 Could it, in fact be the case that  (it isn’t, but please humour me)

 It’s right, isn’t it ?   (It’s not right, but it COULD be, in a world where slightly different laws of physics apply, surely)

 I put it to you  (Hello, this is my first case!)

 On the night in question  (Hello, this is my first case, and I watched Law and Order last night!)

 I put it to you that on the night in question   ( “I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound was off, but I think I got the gist of it”  © Lionel Hutz, Attorney at law)

 It’s possible, isn’t it?  (This is pretty fanciful, but I have to ask you… i.e a really big gust of wind blew the cot over? And then another one blew from the other side and blew it back, so nobody could tell by looking at it?)

 It’s not impossible, is it? (This is really fanciful, but I am running out of other options.  I may well be suggesting now that a dog, or a burglar caused these injuries)

 It’s not completely impossible, is it?  (So, the burglar HAD a dog… After this, my next best explanation is that “A wizard did it”)

 It’s not outside the realms of possibility  (So, a guy in a grey robe with a long beard appeared, and told my client “I’m going to do this bad thing, and then you will get the blame for it, bwah-ha-ha”)

 You couldn’t absolutely rule out, could you?  (So, basically, a wizard did it, and then turned invisible, leaving no trace that they were ever there)

 Are you sure?  ( Hey, I’m dumb enough to take a bad answer and allow you to emphasise it and make the point stronger)

 Are you quite sure ?  (Maybe the Judge didn’t hear your damaging evidence the first two times, so let me REALLY reinforce how bad this is for my client)

 Are you absolutely sure of that? (“I watched Matlock in a bar last night…”)

 I think I’ll move on to another topic (I thought I had some more questions on this, but I’ve lost that bit of paper)

 Moving on to another topic  (Your evidence on that bit has sunk me, so I need to get out of that area quickly.  BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP  – this barrister is reversing, this barrister is reversing)

Let’s leave that, shall we  (As above, but I am much much calmer and better at hiding my impending sense of panic. Hey, have you ever played poker? We have a friendly game once in a while…)

 

Setting aside x, y and z for a moment   ( Pretending that all of the possible bad bits of the case don’t exist, that would make my client look better than if all those bad bits were true, wouldn’t it? )

 

Without a shred of evidence   (If there wasn’t evidence, I wouldn’t have to make this point histrionically, would I?)

 Without a scintilla of evidence  (as above, but with the added risk that a Judge might ask me what a ‘scintilla’ actually is and I’ll have to bluff and say that it is Latin for a really, really really tiny piece; or that I mispronounce it and that if you went to the right schools the “c” isn’t really silent)

Whilst that may be mainstream thought on this issue at the time….    (On my ninth page of results on Google, I found this article that might help me)

 

There is a body of opinion that says   (Okay, it was on my twelfth page of Google results, and frankly this might be some lone nutjob saying this)

 

Our understanding of medical science develops and changes over the years, and it might be that things we think we understand fully now we will acknowledge in years to come that there were really huge gaps in our knowledge   (There MIGHT really be wizards  /  I am a High Court judge)

You shall NOT PASS  (I am a wizard)

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About suesspiciousminds

Law geek, local authority care hack, fascinated by words and quirky information; deeply committed to cheesecake and beer.

4 responses

  1. Pingback: May it please you - more legalese | Children In...

  2. toni macleod aka stella

    lmfao found that quite amusing although my personal favorites of use are these

    could you please reiterate your answer to the court just before a pursue a perjury application in regard to your answer

    thank you kindly for answering before i withdraw from questioning could you just confirm this is your signature of truth on your sworn statement to the court in regard to this incident at para 3.2

    xx

    • You must let me know if you ever move to my area, so that I can declare a conflict and never be in court against you ! I would never sleep nights knowing I had to face you the next day.

      • toni macleod aka stella

        lmfao roflmfao im not THAT bad !! im really quite pleasant when handled carefully just have a severe intolerance for misrepresented events and false information

        although i admit i may be hard work sometimes given Ireland Wales and Durham all went to the RCJ high court to petition that i wasnt assigned to their area for proceedings the poor durham LA barrister looked more disheartened than me when she drew the short straw !

        you could of course always take a leaf out of lincolnshire CC’s book and ban me from representing any parent in your area

        but all in all at least if i decide to grace your area with my presence you could guarantee to never have a boring day again ever for your whole career and could look forward to sporting a puzzled wtf did she just say what i think she said look on your face daily 😉

        🙂 xx

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