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You already know Spotify – now meet “Justify”

The Minister speaks


Ladies and gentlemen, you will by now have seen my leaked proposals for introducing the benefits of private sector enterprise to every part of the Court system save for the judiciary, and I know that you are thinking to yourselves,  “Minister, such timidness! Why can’t you bring the world of commercialisation to the judiciary too?”

Well believe me, we tried hard. Our original proposal, to make judicial robes available for sponsorship much like the overalls of the Formula One drivers, was not popular. But we now have a better approach. You already know Spotify – now meet “Justify”

Just as Spotify delivers its service (delivering music) in two forms – one where a fee is paid and you just get what you want, and one where you pay no fee and have your service but interrupted frequently by advertising, so Justify will do the same. Of course rich people and firms will get their judgments as nature intended, advert free, but the vast majority of cases will know come with short advertisements interposed, being triggered by key phrases which the judiciary will be… ah encouraged to use.

By way of example, take this pilot judgment, delivered recently by Mr Justice League.


“This is a case involving two children, A (aged 4) and B (aged now nine months). B was presented to hospital with suspicious injuries, and the issue for this Court to determine is whether those injuries were caused by one or other of his parents, or by accident  [IF YOU’VE HAD AN ACCIDENT IN THE WORKPLACE, AND IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT, INJURY LAWYERS FOR YOU CAN HELP] . In doing so, it will be important to consider the accounts given by the parents with the analysis of the medical experts instructed in the case, and to carefully compare them [GO COMPARE, GO COMPARE, GOLLY GOSH, SAVE YOUR DOSH AT GO COMPARE] .  In cases of this kind, small factors, the minute detail can become important, every little fact can help the Judge reach a conclusion  [TESCOS – EVERY LITTLE HELPS].  The Court is aware, from the clear and precise timing of events, that in this case there was a window of time between the parents saying that they discovered the child was unwell, and them deciding to seek medical attention, that window was fifteen minutes [WONGA.COM CAN GET YOUR MONEY INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN JUST FIFTEEN MINUTES] and it may be that only later on in the consideration of the totality of the evidence that the Court can decide what this means [BEANZ MEANZ HEINZ].  There are complexities to the medical evidence, there are non-accidental cases that are complex, and there are others which are  [SIMPLES! ] and this is one of the former.

When the Court considers any serious injury, whether that be bruising, a skull fracture, or as in this case, they take into account a break  [TAKE A BREAK MAGAZINE – AMAZING STORIES AND JUST 99p] they have to consider the factual matrix extremely carefully, we know from the authorities that people, particularly children are beautifully and fragily made, and that Mother Nature can be strange indeed  [DON’T LET MOTHER NATURE RUIN YOUR DAY – USE TAMPON PEARL] . The Court approaches all of these difficult tasks having in mind that the welfare of the child is paramount, although I know to parents going through this ordeal, that fact comes as little comfort [COMFORT FABRIC SOFTENER – BRING SOME MOUNTAIN AIR FRESHNESS INTO YOUR DAY] “


Now, I know that you barely noticed those, but rest assured, we will endeavour to get more value for money into the next tranche, by expanding the keywords and interposing more advertisements, the pilot showing that we had if anything not been sufficiently bold  [DON’T JUST GET CLEAN, GET REALLY CLEAN WITH BOLD TWO IN ONE]

About suesspiciousminds

Law geek, local authority care hack, fascinated by words and quirky information; deeply committed to cheesecake and beer.

4 responses

  1. Nest they will let doctors advertise:

    Come and see me, I assure you,
    If you’re barmy I can cure you!

  2. Next, damn my keyboard, not nest!

  3. Jerry Lonsdale

    This Case was brought to you by Go Compare, proud sponsors of the UK Justice system, it won’t be long until we have X-Factor type Trials, where the public vote on the phone at premium rate numbers, guilty or not guilty.

  4. Will the people running the building be derelict in their duty to their shareholders if they do not make the steps slippery so as to create business for the courts? Or should they make working conditions harsh so as to put their employees’ marriages under stress and keep the family business buoyant?

    Or am I putting ideas into their heads?

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