(No-TV-Neville, this one won’t be for you. Nor anyone else who doesn’t know who Leanne Tilsley nee Barlow nee Battersby is)
NOTE ON FILE – From District Judge Sharples to Her Honour Judge Tanner – unreasonable behaviour petition received, think you need to run your eye over it. A bit hard to call
I, Leanne Tilsey (The Petitioner) seek to divorce Nick Tilsley (the Respondent) on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. It is mostly adultery really, only it doesn’t count as adultery, because it happened before we got married. It would have happened on our wedding night (25th December) only that wedding didn’t happen on account of how my mouthy sister Eva (who had previously slept with the Respondent) told the Respondent during the ceremony that that morning I had tried to engineer a reconciliation with my former husband, Peter Barlow, only to find that his new partner, Carla had got back together with him overnight. Carla does not like me (probably because when I was working as a call-girl, her husband was a regular client of mine and when he kidnapped me and put me in the boot of his car, that accidentally led to his death)
Anyway, later on, I explained to the Respondent that I had not really wanted to get back together with Peter Barlow (having had an affair with the Respondent shortly before that first wedding to Mr Barlow, it was the Respondent that I really loved) and we therefore married on 31st December (there being no difficulty with licences or venues, that being such a quiet time of the year and so easy to get things organised)
What I had not known is that the Respondent, on the evening of the 25th December (that being the day that I had ruined his life in front of everyone who knows him by showing that on the day of our wedding he was second best to a man who smokes, is an alcoholic, ran off with another alcoholic and always looks like he could use a good bath – namely Mr Barlow) he got drunk on champagne and slept with his brother’s wife. Whilst indupitably we were at that time ‘on a break’ having not gone through with our ceremony, it was his brother’s wife! That’s got to be unreasonable, right?
Well, if not that, then the fact that he never told me about it, and when his brother found out and tried to kill him, the Respondent was in a coma and I was by his bedside constantly, going through agonies. And then it all came out at the christening of his brother’s baby (which does turn out to be the brother’s child, not the Respondents, although they didn’t know for sure till they did a DNA test). That MUST be unreasonable behaviour, even though it wasn’t his fault because he had agreed to keep it quiet and it was his brother’s wife who spilled the beans.
In case any of that is not unreasonable, I plead these two facts
1. Whilst in the coma the Respondent grew a beard and it absolutely doesn’t suit him.
2. He never laughs when I say to him “I just sold a car quick-quick” because he used to be in that advert. (He’s the one with the ears who says “hee-hee” really badly)
Please give me a divorce, so that I can move on with my life and probably end up with Steve MacDonald at some stage in the future, everyone else I know has.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I should have custody of Simon, who is a child I was stepmother to in my relationship with Peter Barlow – I am no birth relative, but I managed to keep custody of him anyway. Nobody really knows who Simon’s mother is, she’s almost certainly dead. I’d check under the Barlow’s patio, to be honest – the two women in that house have been to prison already and the bloke who lives there [removed on legal advice]