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I can tell you rock, I can tell by your charm

Memo from Shirley Crabtree to Mr Micklewhite, matrimonial partner at Morris, Micklewhite &Co


Mr Micklewhite


I wonder if you could cast your eye over this draft pre-nuptial agreement I have prepared on Mr West’s very specific instructions (very very specific). It is somewhat unorthodox, and I remember that you dealt with Tammy Wynette on her divorce and that you had to spell everything out for her, so I think your view would be helpful


Pre-nuptial agreement between Mr West and (unnamed woman)


In this document Mr West shall be referred to as Mr West  (or Jee-zus) and (unnamed woman) shall be referred to as GD (short for Girlfriend Delightful)




Mr West acknowledges that whilst no one man should have all that power, he in fact does

He acknowledges that he is not saying that GD is a gold digger

He acknowledges that when he met GD she had assets of her own (to whit a baby Louis Vitton under her underarm)

GD acknowledges that she aint’s messing with a broke gentleman of African American ethnicity

GD acknowledges that if she ever sees Mr West on TV, on any given sunday, if he wins the superbowl he will not be driving home in a Hyundai

GD acknowledges that she is NOT a hobbit and that should any later assessment demonstrate that the GD is a hobbit, this agreement shall be void, and the “You stole Fizzing Lifting Lemonade, you get Nothing” clause shall take effect


This agreement shall commence when each party declares that they aren’t a punk and holler the words “We want pre-nup”

It shall last until Mr West decides that the relationship is over, unless a baby has been concieved during the relationship. In which case the duration of the agreement will be for eighteeen years (“eighteen years”)


The parties agree


1. In the event that GD has one of Mr West’s children, then 18 years, he will give her money for 18 years. The sum of money shall be no trifling sum indeed  (I have advised specificity in this clause but to no avail)

2. Mr West retains naming rights for the child – if this influences any decision by GD to conceive, his choices of names are “North” “Northbynorth” “String” and “Mymommaisagolddigga”

3. In relation to the money that Mr West gives the GD when she is in need, she MAY spend the money on TYCO (or other toys) for the child, and for sundries of her own.

4. She MAY NOT spend the money on the following:-

(a) She may NOT get lipo with his money

(b) She may NOT walk around looking like Michael with his money

(c) She may NOT purchase insurance from Geico with his money

(d) As his babymomma, her car crib must not be bigger than his   [I believe that Mr West means that she must not, as the mother of his child, have a larger garage than him, but his wording was most specific]


5. GD agrees never to ask Mr West whether he likes fishsticks.


[Next week, Shirley cross examines Destiny’s Child on previously inconsistent statements vis-a-vis  “Independent Woman” and “Bills bills bills”]



[Hobbit reference]




[Fizzy lifting lemonade]

About suesspiciousminds

Law geek, local authority care hack, fascinated by words and quirky information; deeply committed to cheesecake and beer.

One response

  1. Brilliant! If only pre-nups were really made like this 😉

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