Her Majesty’s Court Service have published their top ten reasons for returning divorce petitions
I feel that HMCTS could have spiced these up a bit, so here are my 15 reasons why divorce petitions might be rejected.
- Jurisdiction section answered in a haiku. Whilst the petitioner carefully used the exact number of syllables, in the 5-7-5 format, a true haiku has to be about nature, and thus fails the test.
- Instead of cheque or fee exemption form, petitioner had enclosed a note saying “I’m waiting for Wonga to get back to me”
- Instead of cheque or fee exemption form, petitioner had offered to “pay it out of my winnings”
- On the section that provides the details of the Respondent, it is unacceptable to write the words “Here be Dragons”
- Petitioner claims to be married to Tony Blair. Petitioner is not Cherie Blair.
- In the grounds section, Petitioner has written simply the word “BI-ATCH”
- In motor oil
- In the grounds section, Petitioner has submitted photograph of Respondent giving her a practical Christmas present (including, but not limited to – a pressure cooker, vileda supermop, colander, new ironing board, new ironing board cover, perfumed drawer liners)
- Petitioner in the grounds section has pleaded adultery, but has named the Co-Respondent as Lilo Lil. Adding “THAT TART” did not remedy this deficiency.
- Divorce petition submitted on what was originally believed to be vellum, but which has on the back page a tattoo that says “Margaret”
- Petition too tear-stained to read (variant 9a – petition too Chardonnay/Stella Artois stained to read)
- Marriage certificate, whilst the original, has a jewel-encrusted dagger piercing it.
- Petition sent to one of the many divorce Courts that we have now closed down. Send it again, properly. Oh, we lost your cheque though. And your marriage certificate.
- Petition when read aloud, opened portal to another dimension where skunks breathe green fire
- Petition was simply Tammy Wynnette sent to the counter to sing the application.
suesspiciousminds 
4 and 13 are the same, was that a test to see who’s paying attention?
An error?
Driving the fact home?
Either way, people are very stupid in a hilarious kinda way
No, I wanted to move 13 so it wasn’t next to something else mythical, but I copy-pasted when I meant to cut-paste, so it ended up in twice. Is changed now
Jurisdictional
Matters addressed include the
Winter of the soul
Applauds.
Well done, Sir.
My top ten would be:
1. Da Bitch is dying
2. I am soon to be a widower (don’t tell her, I want it to be a surprise
3. My gun jammed
4. I prefer Henry the XIII version of Divorce (May 19, 1536)
5. The patio is already fully booked
6. She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms
7. Honesty, she fell onto the knife
8. Enjoy your sausages [Wilt Alterative]
9. I love the smell of naplam in the morning
10. I told her not to jump out of the cockpit, and she hanging on very tightly until gravity took over – that scream will haunt me all the way to the bank
I did toy with the Basil Fawlty line “Did you ever see that film How to Murder Your Wife? Awfully good, I saw it nine times”
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“The Petitioner is represented by Messrs Helpless, Hopeless, and Clueless”.