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“Silky briefs” (not to be read whilst drinking hot coffee)

Penelope Golightly drew out a cigarette from the silver case she kept at her bedside for these occasions and lit it. The young barrister that she had instructed was weary from his final submissions. He looked at her with his deep ice-blue eyes, flecked with hazel and flecked again with jade green and flecked still more with steely gray (there was perhaps altogether far too much going on with his eyes).

“May I…  hand in my FAS form?” he asked her in a throaty voice.

She examined it closely.  “I’m not entirely sure that your timings are accurate here. I can’t allow it. You greatly overstated the time estimate in the first place. “

“But,” protested young Tarquin Snaresbound, “I attended an hour before the appointment for…. discussions. As directed. “

“So be it,” she said and she began to melt the candle-wax into a small delicate porcelain bowl.

“However,” she added with a wry smile, “You have ticked the box here that said that two experts were involved. And by my reckoning, there was certainly only one present. I’m afraid that until you are as good off your feet as you are on them, there will be meagre pickings from this tribunal.”

His high cheekbones coloured with shame, “Have some charity,” he said, “This form is my very livelihood.”

Penelope dipped the seal into the hot wax and applied it to the paper “My dear Tarquin, if you wanted the maximum uplift on the Form, you needed to deliver the same.”

Noting that he was crestfallen, she added, “Perhaps next time you should bring along a McKenzie Friend?”


(Be grateful that I didn't go down the "I put it to you" route...)

(Be grateful that I didn’t go down the “I put it to you” route…)


[I am SO sorry.  I partially blame Garfield and Pauline for the suggestion that my next novel should be a legal bodice-ripper. As you can see here, I think not.   I also apologise for now having the idea that FAS in this context is a F_____ Assessment Survey and making the next time you have to hand a genuine FAS form up in Court a somewhat awkward experience. ]

About suesspiciousminds

Law geek, local authority care hack, fascinated by words and quirky information; deeply committed to cheesecake and beer.

4 responses

  1. And I put it to you that having some charity has no bearing on the matter, in fact I intend to show…….

  2. I think a legal bodice-rippers is damn good idea, in fact due to public demand I think it is essential series

    The case of the missing briefs
    The Judge said meet her in chambers
    The missing witness
    Reporting restrictions don’t apply
    The Bill of Inflated Costs
    Mr McKenzie’s Friend
    The finding of facts and other nonsense
    A legal convenience
    How to make judgements and influence people
    Unequal footing
    Balance of improbabilities
    A compromising position statement
    Three lawyers, no case
    Hearsay is better than facts
    Practice makes perfect
    Law and other conjuring

  3. fantastic…perfect respite while penning ( alas not with quill but sturdy MacBook) a lengthy court report….many thanks!

  4. Sorry but giggling so much….husband convinced I am having a stroke!

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